Humans are naturally emotional creatures. In fact, we can’t help but be emotional because of chemicals called neurotransmitters and hormones influencing our thoughts and behaviors. Without the passionate, inescapable impact of emotions on our lives, we wouldn’t be able to experience the satisfaction of achieving our goals, our desires and our persistent need to find meaning in our lives.
Everybody gets angry. Everybody. Just like happiness, sadness and fear, anger is a natural reaction to something that frustrates, bewilders or oppresses our intense craving for complete control over what happens to us. When something occurs that does not conform to our unrealistic expectations, we feel angry.
Yes, it is unrealistic to think that everything is going to happen as we want it to happen. People cannot read minds. They don’t know or care why you think they should or shouldn’t say or do particular things. Consequently, when people act in contrast to your unrealistic expectations of them, you may feel angry.
Although anger can be a positive catalyst in the right moment at the right time, it is all too often a useless and destructive emotion, especially to those who are new to sober living or participating in a 12 step recovery program. While achieving sobriety is a life-changing and deeply personal experience, it is also a time of uncertainty and emotional upheaval. With sobriety brings the realization that you are genuinely in touch with profound emotions that previously remained anesthetized and deeply buried under years of substance abuse.
Feeling angry while in recovery is a perfectly normal response to suddenly being thrust into unfamiliar territory. You’re clean, sober and experiencing a chaos of emotions you haven’t had to deal with for years. However, the one thing to always remember when strong waves of anger threaten to compromise your recovery is that anger is a complex, temporary response to unrealistic expectations that cannot be fulfilled.
Sometimes anger is an indication of something in our lives that needs to change. We need to remember to slow down enough to ask whether or not this is something we can change, or if it’s something we need to “Let Go and Let God.” Often in early sobriety (and beyond!) it’s helpful to repeat the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
When we can learn to let go, we’ll find that much of our anger will begin to subside. It doesn’t happen overnight, but each day we get to make small choices that will begin to transform our lives.
Anyone can learn to successfully cope with anger. For people in a 12 step recovery program, confronting, understanding and then letting go of anger is vital to avoiding relapse. Many coping strategies taught by sober living counselors are available that can help those in recovery recognize when expectations are unrealistic and take steps to transform their anger into mindful acceptance of things they cannot control. Moreover, loved ones of people in recovery should learn these coping strategies to improve their ability to help someone through feelings of anger while showing how much they truly care about their loved one’s recovery.